Why Do We Push Ourselves So Hard?

It has been a minute, and it is nice to put pen to paper again.

One of the questions I have been musing on since I last wrote is, “Why are we so hard on ourselves?” I am not sure this is specific to midlife, but it is only in midlife that I have become aware of just how hard I have been on myself since, well, forever.

Along with this new awareness has come the realization that I do not want to (or maybe it is even more accurate to say I cannot) keep treating myself this way. There is no prize at the end, just tiredness, burnout, dissatisfaction, resentment, and unhappiness. I need to show myself more kindness and compassion. If I cannot do this for myself, how can I authentically engage in the world around me in this way? Perhaps we do not have enough kindness and compassion in the world right now because we regularly ask too much of ourselves.

But treating myself with more kindness and compassion does not seem to come naturally. Or perhaps this ability has been squashed by a culture which always demands more, where material success is held up as the pinnacle of all success, and where women of our generation were told we could have it all and so we should go for it.

Enough Already

I am now saying, “Enough!” It is time to figure out what it means to show myself more kindness and compassion. My gut says it goes beyond what we think of as self-care, although that is definitely a part of it. Where I am landing is it means pausing to find stillness so you can hear the voice inside you who knows you better than anyone.

And if you listen closely, it will tell you how to live in deeper alignment with your bigger life’s purpose, i.e. what to do and what not to do. And these things are rarely what the external world is telling you. Your inner voice is not searching for more external validation or desiring more material possessions or the “perfect” life. Instead it is telling you that you are a valuable, unique human being and so go pursue what makes YOU happy, brings you joy, and makes you feel like your cup is full. Your life is going to look different than everyone else’s because they are also unique. Your inner voice, or your soul, wants nothing to do with comparison.

The Irony

The irony is that pushing myself has been the foundation of much of my success to date, but all this pushing is also why sometimes I am tired. It is also perhaps why I have felt unsatisfied at times despite how much I have accomplished on paper…because what I need to feel satisfied is more than these things or maybe not even these things at all. All I know is now I need to look elsewhere for satisfaction.

I, like probably many of you, have high standards for myself. Perhaps unreasonably high in some cases…hard to know because it is just the way I am. So I need to ask myself, “Whose or what expectations am I trying to meet that I drive myself so hard?” Am I not the only person I  need to satisfy? Maybe it is enough to be a good enough mom, wife, friend, employee, athlete, volunteer, or whatever. Or maybe I pick one or at most two things to try and be better than good enough…because really, does anyone have more time or energy than that would require?

 Where to find kindness and compassion

The good news is that there are many ways to show ourselves more kindness and compassion. But you need to start with an intention to do so and then create new habits, especially of how you talk to yourself and what you expect of yourself. This does not mean being without goals or having high expectations. But pursue these in the same way you would counsel a friend asking for advice or how you would support your child. Come from a place of love for yourself.

• Make it a practice to get to know yourself, your values, what brings you joy, makes you feel alive or playful.

• Regularly ask yourself whose expectations you are trying to meet, yours or someone else’s.

• Slow down (a sure sign I need to slow down is when all I want to do is take a bath and put on my most comfortable sweatpants (Brandy Melville if you must know).

• Give up the pursuit of perfection.

• Put your own emotional needs first.

• Make time for stillness every day.

• Find a practice to nurture your connection to yourself, whether it is meditation, journaling, drawing, or sitting quietly. Give the voice inside you a chance to be heard.

• Remember to breathe.

• Do not fill every moment of your time.

• Have the courage to follow your own path. And do not be afraid to change course when the current path no longer serves you.

Conclusion

Life is much easier and more fulfilling when we live in alignment with our values and our deepest desires. Then we can find a state of flow which allows us to feel more present, more joyful, and more fully ourselves. Forcing or pushing ourselves is not the way to show yourself more kindness and compassion.

To be continued…